Been There … Sucked at It

It’s true, if you want to build a business you can’t get there without a network of people who know you and know what you can do. But for most of us, building a powerful network isn’t natural and they don’t teach it in school. In fact, it’s probably a truth that every one of us has had an experience of being the odd man out in a group. That memory can get in the way of making the connections we need to move forward and up, to find the people who love what we do.

I know I’ve been there and sucked the whole networking thing too.

Ah the memory not knowing what to do wasn’t nearly as bad as the feeling of that the whole room knew I was a lose who didn’t know how to “work” the room. I had too much “self” and not enough “conscious” in my self-consciousness.

What would happen if I changed my point of view. What if I dropped the “self” and just took the consciousness into the room?

Whether it’s a business dinner, a networking event, or a conference where the only one you know going in is you, these steps will help you bring your best consciousness into the room and get your mind off people looking at you.

1. Do your homework. Before the event, know something about the event and group. Find out who started the gathering, what the event is meant to do, and what kind of people keep it going. You may find they have a lot in common with you. You also may find that this isn’t the right event for you.
2. Dress for respect and to connect. We trust first the people who share our values. Dress as your best self in a ways that’s in tune with the group. Give them a chance to recognize you as someone who might “get” who they are. Save your wild lime green spandex for the events with the folks who know you or the events where spandex is on whole crew.
3. Be a learner. Everyone loves to share share what they know. If you’re there to make business connections, bring an idea or question that will capture people’s attention. Invite them to offer ideas and suggestions. When people ask what you do, you might mention your business and then turn the conversation back by saying that you’re learning how to network with more confidence, do they have any advice for you?
4. If you’re alone, walk up to a group. When two people are talking, it’s interrupting to try to join. But a group always has people at various levels of attention to the conversation. Find the least interested person in the group and approach with a question, “Mind if I join in? This group looks interesting.”
5. Be curious. Make everything you say about the other people in the room. A wise man once told me “If you’re worried about people looking at you, look at them.” What he meant was to quit thinking about myself and focus on everyone else. Get curious about the people in the room. Make it your quest to know who they are, even if they never find out a thing about you.

Everyone likes an intelligent, interested person who gives us true attention.
We all like people who ask meaningful questions and listen to how we answer them.
I learned that being that person makes walking into a room of strangers easier to do.

So arm yourself with a question that means something to you and to the people in the room. And see how the experience changes when you take the self out of self-conscious and become truly conscious of the people in that room.

Our entire lives are spent seeking out comforts.  The familiar plays on a misguided notion of safety.  The devil you know is better than the devil that you don’t know, right?

Not necessarily.  When you are too comfortable, it means you are probably not trying hard enough.  You have gotten to the point where you are “good enough”.  But good enough is not great, outstanding or groundbreaking.  Good enough walks on a treadmill, instead of blazing a new path.  Good enough doesn’t encourage progress. Good enough doesn’t change the world.

When you are uncomfortable, you are pushing boundaries.  You are trying new things.  You are willing to fail and fail big.  This is where amazing personal and professional shifts come from.

• In your workouts, being physically uncomfortable is where you gain increased strength, speed and agility;
• In your relationships, being vulnerable and uncomfortable is where you create true bonds with others;
• In your career or business, taking uncomfortable risks or doing work outside of your “comfort zone” is where you can advance yourself to the next level.

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Comfort equals accepting the status quo.  If you don’t aspire to anything more, then go ahead and be comfortable. Uncomfortable leads to growth.  It’s scary and may be painful, but pain is temporary.  Your achievements are forever.

I have spent some time talking about how hard it is to ask for help and how we can’t build our businesses (or our lives) alone, but once you are ready, how do you get the help that you need?  Here are three quick steps to getting others to help you (I know, that sounds like an infomercial, but it is really this easy- no Ginzu knives included):

1- Ask, or at Least Have an Answer

If nobody knows what you need, it is pretty hard for them to help you.  If you need help, the onus is on you.  We have personal, professional, alumni, social and other networks, so use them!  Most people are very willing to offer help if they know what the heck you need. How many times have you been in a conversation when someone said, “How can I help you?” and the other party said, “I don’t know?”Know what help you need and be both willing and able to articulate it.

2- Make it Easy

Once you are ready and willing to ask, make it as easy as possible for others to help.  Focus on one thing- not five.  For example, if you are seeking referrals and have multiple services, only ask for referrals on one service per referring source.  People have really short attention spans and if there is too much information or too many choices, the chances are that you will get nothing in return.  For referrals, you can choose to focus all of your referrals on your highest margin service or perhaps have different referral sources referring different services, based on which service is most complementary to their business- but each source should just have one call to action.

Also, give specifics.  Instead of saying you need “a lawyer”, let your networks know that you are looking to spend $X on a patent attorney that specializes in process patents related to software.  The more specific you are, the better your chances are of getting back what you need.

And make sure to remove obstacles.  Don’t make the helpers click through links, have to interpret information, or jump through other hoops.  Make the route to help as direct as possible and if there are instructions needed, give step by step guidance so that your helper has to do the least amount possible.

3- Be Grateful (Not Greedy)

Last but not least, use your head.  Make your “ask” appropriate to the relationship (i.e. don’t ask someone you met an hour ago to lend you their vacation home).  Also, pick your battles.  People are happy to help, but if you ask constantly, their helpfulness may wane.  Make sure you are asking when you really need the help- not just when you are being lazy (hint: if all they have to do is a Google search to help you, then you are being lazy).

And finally, thank them.  Help is a privilege, not a right, so acknowledge when someone has gone out of their way, and return the favor or pay it forward when you are able to.

The following is a guest post by John Hawkins, co-founder of 9seeds. He’s a good egg. Get to know him.

Recently I’ve had a handful of people tell me, “You are so lucky to be working with Chris Brogan.” While I completely agree, my reasoning is far different from theirs. I feel I’m lucky to be working with Chris because he is an exceptionally nice guy who understands what it takes to build a business. They feel I’m lucky to be working with Chris because they seem to think I have hit some sort of jackpot. Either way, the thing about it is, I made that luck happen.

I want to tell you a little story about how I met Chris and how we eventually came to work on a few projects together.

I was introduced to Chris at Blog World Expo in 2008 by a mutual friend. We shook hands, said hello and went our separate ways. A few months later I was organizing a conference in Las Vegas and I invited Chris to speak. He was in town already for another event, so he graciously accepted. The day of the event I was so busy with organizational duties that we probably spent a total of 10 minutes chatting with each other. I would run in to Chris again at Blog World Expo 2009 where we chatted briefly and I gave him a ride back to his hotel as the taxi line was insane. A couple months later I saw on Twitter that Chris was going to be in Vegas briefly for an event. I sent him a tweet asking if he’d have time to grab a drink. He responded and we met at the bar in his hotel a short time later. Over the course of about an hour, we talked about all sorts of stuff. Almost none of it had anything to do with business. But then it happened. He was telling me about an issue he was having with a site. I mentioned that I could fix the issue he was having. When he got back home he gave me the access I needed and I fixed the issue right away. The next time he had an issue, he contacted me again and I solved it for him quickly.

The first few times I met Chris, I had absolutely zero plans of working with him. Heck, the first time we met was 18 months before I even started this company. But I maintained casual contact with him all the while via Twitter. Not because I thought it could lead to something, but because I read his blog and enjoyed his content and wanted to stay engaged in his community.

There are thousands of WordPress developers out there. Chris could have found people with far better credentials or companies that would have charged him far less than we charge to fix his issue. But the friendly relationship I had built up with Chris over the course of a couple years made it a real easy decision for him to trust me with his project. Once he gave me that opportunity, I made sure to provide him with top quality work. This makes his decision for who to work with next time a much easier decision.

I didn’t attend that first Blog World Expo to meet Chris. But, if I didn’t attend, would I be working with him today?

I’ve met thousands of other people at Blog Worlds & WordCamps over the past few years. Who knows which one of them is another Chris Brogan waiting to happen?

John Hawkins is co-founder of 9seeds, the engine behind a lot of my Human Business Works projects.

This is my first post on Escape Velocity, and I’m thrilled to be here.   Why?  Because I am in such good company.  The other writers on this blog are people I have worked with and respected for years, and to have my writing published alongside theirs is an honor.

It has occurred to me that a lot of the activities I choose to engage in as part of my independent career and workplace consulting business are motivated by the desire to be in good company.   Participation in this blog is just one example.  Another is the Business Roundtable Springboard Project committee I was asked to join last year.

The purpose of the committee was to advise the US Department of Labor on strategies for increasing the effectiveness and competitiveness of American college graduates hitting the workforce.   As a member, I would have the opportunity to share my views on this subject alongside those of Fortune 500 CEOs and well-known political leaders.  There was no question that I would say yes.

Being in such good company allowed me to learn at an accelerated pace, and it also enhanced my professional profile and reputation.  I also quickly recognized that being among such talented and influential individuals would allow me to do important work more quickly and efficiently.  Case in point:  The Springboard Project’s first deliverable, JobSTART 101, a free, 90 minute online course dedicated to providing college students and recent graduates with the knowledge and skills they need to be successful in the workplace, was conceived in late 2009 and launched this week, not even a year later.

Whether you work in an established organization or are building your own business, placing yourself in good company is one of the smartest moves you can make.  It may not pay off immediately, but if you add as much value as you can and are patient, the people with whom you develop relationships can take you to heights you never dreamed.

Personally, I want to hear Chris Garrett’s take, as he’s written an amazing course on it, but I wanted to start talking about networking and how it relates to escape velocity. So, you’re stuck with me, until Garrett writes us up a post.

The Benefit of Gentle Networking

Let’s define this concept: gentle networking is meeting people, really caring about being helpful, and taking it just one step further by being ready to connect that person with someone else who would benefit from the connection. In other words, it’s not what people can do for you; it’s what you can do for others. It’s a mutual appreciation society of sorts, but with the realization that we can all help grow each other’s business, if not directly, then by the friends we know.

The benefit of this, I should point out, is that it’s far less cutthroat feeling than typical networking (what’s in it for me), plus it’s got a chance of having two hits in the exchange (a face to face connection, plus the potential of meeting someone that is useful to someone else you know for later). For an example, I’m friends with Bryan Elliott. This friendship started with just conversations. Since then, Bryan has brought me opportunities. I’ve brought him opportunities. We’ve connected each other with others in our networks. THIS is the longer value yield of gentle networking.

It’s About Being Patient

Sometimes, we get hungry. We need success today. However, you can’t rush networking. You can’t rush friendship. You can’t rush the serendipity effect that happens from these experiences. Just like you can’t dig a hole, throw some seeds in, and wait a few minutes for the apple to fall into your hand, you have to grow your network slowly, and feed it value. You have to find opportunities to tend it, to give it light (by promoting others), and you have to give it plenty of water (or potential deal flow) to make it worthwhile.

The Network is Everything

You’ve heard this. You also hear, as my friend Julien says often, that someone was “a pillar in his community.” Sadly, you usually hear it at funerals. But it’s true. The network is everything, if you build it the right way, and if you grow it gently.

The best way I’ve kept my network growing is by offering lots and lots of indirect value (things like blog posts and general good will), and then lots of targeted value, often without any need for money. That’s the secret. If you can do a lot for a lot of people without needing the money, then the bigger ticket paybacks end up being amazing, and you end up having a strong and powerful network. Just practice that method. It can happen.

The Karma Thing

Please note: you MUST do these things without EXPECTING anything back. This is the super secret (and really really really hard to learn) part of this. You cannot and must not sit around saying, “Well, I did this for Dave and I never got anything for it.” There’s a difference between determining someone is a sucking greedy monster and deciding not to feed them any more of your good will, but that’s really different. Expect nothing. Do because it’s what should be done. Network because the secondary effects are where the gold hides out.

Let karma figure itself out. (Replace ‘karma’ with whatever term doesn’t weird you out.)

Go Forth and Network Gently

Do it small, even. Pick three people (no more than three) and do something good for them without them asking. Write about them. Introduce them to someone you think would help them grow. Give away something of great value to them.

Repeat twice a week until it feels like second nature. Then, see what comes of it.

Are you game?